February 10, 2010

Oxymoron the intuitive man...A lesson in communication

The intuitive man. Most women I think would consider this an oxymoron. Through out my life it has been a struggle to communicate my needs in romantic relationships. Currently I am in a relationship with a man who is a great communicator and has taught me much in that realm. Probably too much for his liking now a days. :)~

Of course it is not my ideal relationship as it is not a truly romantic one on his part at least. For me it still registers as one emotionally. Our relationship was based in friendship and intimacy has grown from there. I do envy people who have it all in their relationships.What's my purpose in saying that, to show that in a romantic relationship often emotions get in the way of true communication.

So on to the lesson ladies, when I say ladies I mean all of you from 14 to 94. It is never to young to start practicing being a strong woman and partner and it is certainly never to late.

What I have learned is that as we all know women and men see things differently. "Oh no kidding you say!" But they also communicate differently and don't often intuit from our words, actions or silence. We as women from child rearing I think become intuitive to others needs and therefore can often know what our partner needs before they do. We pay attention to to the small cues they give us so we know when they are angry, sad, frustrated etc. and we usually act on those cues trying to support and give them what they need. However we get frustrated or our feelings get hurt when they don't intuit back what we need. Often it feels like they are being selfish, ignoring us or plain just don't care. We then become angry, upset, frustrated and I think the worst feeling is resentment. Resentment can eat at you and your relationship. So the question is how to resolve this?

Men communicate clearly. They don't hide their cookies so to speak, unless they are liars. So when communicating with them, the silent treatment may get their attention but they don't know why you are being so quiet. Most times even if you have said, " I get quiet when........." pick one, you have hurt my feelings, you made me angry, or I am just in a pissy mood. (excuse the language.) Well we expect that once we have stated when I act this way it means this that they will remember. Not so. Men see us as emotional beings and we are a mystery to them. So unless you communicate clearly they usually won't get it.

So instead of the silent treatment, take a deep breath and say what it is that is on your mind. You would be amazed how well this works. Here are some examples.

I need some help with the house work, I am tired of coming home from work and having to pick up the house.

What you said about..........hurt my feelings.

I need some me time, can you take the kids so I can have a day for me.

I need us to have some private time together without the kids. Just you and me, I miss that.
It is important to say these kinds of things as a matter of fact. Don't be accusing and don't wine. Just state it as plain as you can. I used to think psychology was a bunch of nonsense but have since come to realize that a lot of it is based in truth. For example, when your mate says something that hurts your feelings a psychologist would ask, "So how does that make you feel?"The key to this is that you need to look at your feelings and figure out why it makes you feel a certain way. Often the reason is nothing to do with what is said by the other person. It comes from deeper within us and we have to find out why when someone says this or that why we feel this way or that about it. I am big on examples so here is another one. I was made fun of in school for my big ears so I am sensitive about them. My partner often grabs my ears, or calls me monkey. He does this in a loving manner, not to hurt my feelings. Where I was going with the psychology part was also that if you start your statements with "I", it is about you not them. So you are not putting them on the defensive. When someone starts a statement with, "You" it is like blaming.It's not what you say it's the way that you say it.

So ladies, learn to communicate clearly it will make your life much easier and your emotions won't be in a tizzy as my friend says. The guys will appreciate the clear communication and will respond to it. If they don't then you might be justified in your feelings.

PS: Being fair to the men some oxymoron's do exist. Thank you from all of us women for being one.

Some day my prince will come~


Andrea said...

I love this! It is OHHH SO TRUE! We as women assume that a man that truly loves you and knows you would respond, do, etc. as you would expect. Well, two problems with that; first we assume...we need to say what we need. Women yes, could probably figure out what’s going on & meet your needs without you having to ask…. but not men. You need to be very straightforward & state your needs. My example would be that I get very frustrated at my husband (been together for 12yrs – married for 8yrs)…for not supporting me or considering me at times. Meaning – you don’t do what I want you to or you don’t read my mind!!! I have to look in the mirror and ask myself did I tell him/ask him for what I needed – and to my credit yes, I do at times…but most of the time I expect him to know me well enough that he meets my needs without having to ask. Which is not fair to either one of us? Also…it’s MY expectations that have gotten me in trouble. If I just clean my own street and do what I’m suppose to do and communicate kindly & clearly with my partner, (instead of blaming which then leads to resentment….) We are a lot better off than if I have my own argument in my head…and in turn come at him with anger, because I’m so frustrated. I got off on a tangent. My point is I love this post & forum…thanks sidemeat (btw, love the user name)…us women need a support system….thanks for letting me vent!

sidemeat said...

Thanks for responding. You said something that is so important. " I have to look in the mirror..." It is so easy to look outside of ourselves in most any situation and blame others. We do ourselves a great favor when we look in the mirror because we are getting in touch with our true feelings, not just the emotions of the moment.
So glad you posted. I look forward to not only women being able to vent but from learning from each of them from their experiences.